Reframing is one of the better known and more generally accepted techniques in family therapy. Watzlawick, Weakland and Fish (1979) write about it as follows: “To reframe, then, means to change the conceptual and/or emotional setting or viewpoint in relation to which a situation is experienced and to place it in another frame which fits the ‘facts’ of the same concrete situation equally well or even better, and thereby challenging its entire meaning.” (page 102) The Milan Group used a very similar technique and called it “positive connotation”. Positive connotation “was developed in order to encourage the therapist to analyze and eventually offer families a positive reason for all their actions.” (Dallos and Draper, 2004, p. 121) Palazzoli and her colleagues (1978), the developers of the technique, wrote,” All the behaviors one can see in a group as a whole seem to originate from the common goal of preserving the unity/coherence of the family group” (p.56)
And indeed, both positive connotation, as suggested by its name, and reframing are mostly positive. In other words, the family members’ behavior, and especially the behavior through which the symptom is exhibited, is defined as originating from a positive motivation supposed to benefit the entire family. Thus, a child’s bed-wetting is defined as his attempt to bring his conflicted parents together and get them to cooperate in relation to his problem.
The customary assumption is that the technique works because the family members suddenly see the symptomatic behavior in a new light, stop relating to it as problematic and change their way of reacting to it. The change in their reactions transforms the whole system and, eventually, the symptomatic behavior itself as well.
As we saw in the previous section, many couples therapists also use positive reframing as a technique in couples therapy. Couples therapists could, for example, define:
- A husband’s early ejaculation as being triggered by the stress he brings on himself in his attempt to please his wife and satisfy her sexually.
- A wife’s innumerable complaints as her somewhat desperate attempt to make her husband get closer to her.
- A husband’s depression as his special way of getting the best out of his wife.
- A wife’s infidelity as her way of waking the relationship out of the coma into which it has sunk.
- A husband’s silence as his way not to provoke fights and not to hurt his wife.
There are endless examples, but does reframing really work in couples therapy in the same way as it works in family therapy?
The first question we need to ask ourselves is: what is it that really works when reframing is used in family therapy? Is it truly, as many believe mistakenly, the “positivity” that works there? Is the change created in the family, as result of reframing, due to the fact that the family members have started to see the symptom or the problem in a positive light?
If we re-examine the issue, we can see that what motivates the family to change is certainly not the fact that they start seeing a certain behavior as positive. Actually, the exact opposite happens. What works is that they start to see their own behavior as negative!
When parents suddenly understand that their child may have developed bed-wetting, anxiety, or depression in order to connect between them, to prevent them from fighting or getting divorced, what happens is that they are faced with the fact that they did not take responsibility for their problems and did not deal with them. They learn that it was easier or more convenient for them to use the child’s symptom in order to find a way to connect, than to really deal with the conflicts in their relationship.
Although the reframing statement is usually presented by the therapist with a smile on his face, the message behind it is shaming. And justly so. The parents encounter their lack of responsibility, feel shame or guilt, and begin to act in a new and responsible way regarding the conflict between them.
But what happens in couples therapy? Can reframing the partners’ behavior towards each other achieve the goal of shaking them up and challenging them to take responsibility? Certainly not. It seems that many couples therapists have taken the idea of positive reframing literally and apply it to create a more pleasant atmosphere between the partners. Supposedly, if the partners start seeing each other’s behavior in a more positive light, their attitude towards each other will change for the better. They will be less angry, and will react to each other more positively.
Observing such applications of the technique from the perspective of WBP shows us that this is precisely the opposite of what we wish to achieve.
In WBP, we want to understand the partners’ behaviors systemically, but to treat these behaviors individually. Positive reframing of one partner’s behavior only enhances the lack of differentiation between the partners. It enables them to feel a little better with each other by reinforcing their tendency to seek “togetherness”.
But mainly, positive reframing in couples therapy is a way for the therapist to abstain from dealing directly with the conflict that the couple brings to the therapy. It is caused by the fear we all experience, both couples and therapists, of facing directly, courageously, and honestly the inevitable conflicts that arise in every couple’s life. It is one more failing attempt to try to hide and cover up what must never be hidden or blurred if we want to grow and develop in our relationships.
So what do we use in WBP instead of reframing and positive connotation? We use negative connotation or reframing. You can learn more about that in our online course:Worthiness Based Psychotherapy 1
