Absolute freedom in Monogamous relationships
Listen, we come and make a rather cheeky claim. We say that it is precisely in monogamous relationships that there is a greater chance for ultimate freedom. Not in being single, not in cheating, not in open relationships, and not in polyamory, even though all of them are forms of life that are perceived as allowing for great freedom. Rather, in monogamy.
We do not claim that all or even most monogamous people experience freedom in their relationships. Not at all. Most of them unfortunately experience their relationships as a prison. A prison of demands, criticism, appeasement, bitterness, dissatisfaction, lack of intimacy, and lack of sex.
Indeed, that is the commonly accepted sad picture. But we do claim that in monogamous relationships there is the possibility for much greater freedom than in being single or in open relationships. Yes. We completely stand behind that statement. And it is not a provocation. It is the truth.
We will begin to unfold our claim with the question: Why do people cheat or open relationships? Esther Perel argues that it’s not that we seek to meet other people when we are having an affair. What we really seek is to meet and express parts of ourselves that we cannot express in our primary relationships.
And that really sounds beautiful. Even romantic. The cheating person or the one who opens or wants to open the relationship simply wants to be authentic, and that is not possible for them in monogamous relationships.
Now the question arises: Why are they unable to express all their parts authentically in their primary relationships, and why can they do so in the presence of the lover? The reason is quite simple and clear. The lover gives them positive feedback. They love what they see, and they compliment them for it.
At home, however, the partner does not really admire them. They may even criticize them. Certainly, they do not give them the feeling that those parts they want to bring are desired and loved.
Now, pay attention: Notice that the person in question is actually dependent on external feedback to express their different parts “authentically.” When they receive negative feedback, they are blocked. When they receive positive feedback, they open up, express themselves, and are authentic.
There are several problems with this perception and approach. The first and most important is that the person in question is completely dependent on very specific feedback to express certain parts of themselves. And a dependent person is not a free person.
Let’s say they love BDSM very much, and their partner is not excited about it at all. But their lover is totally into it. They can only be authentic in their company. Or let’s say they want to talk about the difficulties they have at work with their boss, but their partner doesn’t appreciate it when they tell them about their problems. Or let’s say they have different opinions than their partner about parenting or politics, and their partner dismisses these opinions. They cannot fully express themselves with them.
In all these cases, that person is dependent on outside feedback to express themselves. Is that person free? When they are dependent on external feedback, are they truly free? What would happen if that person insisted on bringing all their parts to their monogamous relationship? What would happen if they were determined to be true? If they said to themselves and their partner: I am no longer willing to censor myself. I am no longer willing to hide my feelings, thoughts, and desires. I am no longer willing to live in a relationship where I am not fully authentic. From now on, I insist on bringing my whole self here!
What would happen? This is a risk-taking, without a doubt. The partner may not like those parts. They may respond with criticism, anger, withdrawal, or offense. They may abandon them. A huge fight may develop.
Yes, there are many dangers here. Maybe it’s better not to take the risk…
Authenticity is perceived according to Esther Perel and actually almost everyone, as the ability to express a certain content: opinions, feelings, silliness, masculinity, femininity, desires, the wish to do drugs, the wish to be penetrated in the ass… Content. If I express this content, I will be authentic.
But authenticity is not related to any specific content. It is related to the inner freedom I have. Authenticity is the inner freedom to be who I want to be whenever I want. True authenticity is expressed in the freedom to move from one thing to another. At one moment I can be serious. At another, silly. At one moment I can express an idea or position. At another, I can cry. At another, I can laugh. At another, I can have soft sex. At another, I can have aggressively healthy sex.
Authenticity is not the content. Authenticity is the freedom I give myself to express myself.
Now, if I do not allow myself to express myself fully in front of my partner, I am not a free person. If I can only present certain parts of myself in front of my lover and not my partner, I am not a free person. I am in prison.
Yes, I want to argue that people who need to open their relationships in order to express themselves are in prison. They are being operated by their fears. The fear of fighting. The fear of criticism. The fear of being dismissed. The fear of separation. The fear of abandonment. All of these still manage them.
Of course, most monogamous people are in exactly the same prison. Most monogamous individuals are terrified of authentic self-expression for exactly the same reasons. They, too, fear conflict and abandonment.
The difference is that people who open relationships think they are escaping from the prison. And I argue that they are in exactly the same prison. They are not free at all.
Who is the free person? The free person is the one who can be whoever they choose to be even in the presence of a partner who is not necessarily excited about that expression.
You become free when your resolve to be authentic outweighs your fears of rejection, abandonment, or conflict. And this freedom can only be reached through the many years of friction with your partner.
If you continue to insist on being yourself, while at the same time insisting on staying within the relationship and not running away from it, a wonderful process begins to unfold in which you become a truly free person.
Monogamy, precisely because of the difficulty, is potentially the most complete and optimal space for building such inner freedom.
It does not come easily at all. It requires a lot of work. But the result is a deep inner freedom to be as authentic as possible within a deep and meaningful relationship.
